We're not friends in that we spend time together but we are friends in that when we bump into each other we have a catch up and there's no hard feeling. My fiance's met him when we've bumped into each other and that was all fine.
Yesterday, he rang me because his mum was in hospital and her life support had been switched off and he didn鈥檛 know who to ring. I went to the hospital to offer support. I rang my H2B to check he was OK with it. He said 鈥榃ell it鈥檚 a bit odd that he鈥檚 rang his ex, but you can鈥檛 really say no at a time like this, tell him I鈥檓 sorry for his loss, I鈥檒l see you when you get home鈥?
His mum died 2hours later and I came home. We talked about it, he said he didn鈥檛 want my ex thinking I鈥檇 drop everything and run to him etc. I said I understood, but my ex didn鈥檛 think that, he was more concerned about what was going on with his mum. When I turned up he鈥檇 obviously had time to think about it and was concerned about how my H2B would feel and asked me to say thank you to him for being understanding. I dont love my ex but I do care about his welfare. I reassured my H2B and everything was fine.
Today, my H2B has been telling me how wrong his mate thinks it is that I went. His mates been going on about 鈥榟ow can he trust me to be around my ex鈥? 鈥榥ow my ex will now think I have feelings for him鈥?鈥榤y exes family will try and get us back together鈥?鈥榤y ex will be laughing at my H2B鈥欌€?Well its really got him worked up and he鈥檚 stressing about it because some wife-beating alcoholic loser has been saying all this stuff to him and he says I shouldn鈥檛 have gone.
So鈥? If your ex was in a genuine moment of crisis, would you help him?Would you help your ex?
You absolutely made the right decision. I would have done the same thing (even though I hate my ex and everything she does/stands for, but that's a different story).
Like it or not an ex is someone that you shared a connection with at some point in time. You know them and they know you. If they are in crisis you may very well be the only person available to them that holds the understanding they need. You can care for them without wanting to be with them.
Your H2B's feelings are valid, however. The best you can do is acknowledge them. Tell him you understand how he feels, that you might feel the same way if the situation were reversed.
Do not deny him his fears, as they are real. This would only alienate him further. Instead, show him that he has nothing to fear. Set boundaries for your ex. Make him understand that your support has limits. Be open and honest with your H2B. Fill him in on all that is going on.
Again, be confident that you made the right decision. The decision that any decent human being would have made. Good luck.Would you help your ex?
It depends if I still liked my ex. If my fiance didn't like my ex, but I did, I would try and get an arrangement where all sides were suited.
However, in your situation I would help my ex, but only once every so often.
yes, i would! and i don't think you did anything wrong, you have been honest with your H2B about it.
Of course I would, if he phoned and asked me. Why not?
you h2b made a decision to let you go offer support to you ex...now he is going talking to his friends and double guessing his decision...next time tell him that whatever the decision is you guys will stick with it together and not let outsiders double guess what you decide as a team
First, You are probably 100% right that the alcholic friend got your fiance even more worked up. Regardless of that, what matters is that your fiance's feelings are real and his opinions are real. For your own sake and his, you are not treating him as a man you care for if you say that his opinions are not his own. I can have an intense opinion reading an editorial and would not have those views and feelings but for my reading the editorial. But, regardless of the source this is what he feels, he is upset...it is wrong to try to lessen the legitimacy of what your fiance feels because of the source. The reality is your fiance was was upset enough by your going and your ex's actions enough to talk to him. That right there should tell you that this bothered him. I may be wrong in understanding this but what you have written is that you called your husband AFTER you went to the hospital. In other words you told him through your actions you didn't care what he thought and he was #2 to your ex. You were not really asking your h2b because you were already there. What the heck is he supposed to say after you thumbed your nose at him. Don't you think it's a bit insulting to call your fiance and say hey I'm at the hospital with my old lover, do you mind?
Let us be honest, you are not the only person in this universe that ex could have called nor the only person in this universe your ex could possibly think of calling. The reality is that you are the only person in this world your ex WANTED to call.
What is done is done. But he has every right to be upset if you called after going to the hospital (otherwise he needs to put it behind him and discuss things seriously with you). Ultimately what is done is done and he needs to move on. But, given his feelings it's clear that you and your fiance need to sit down and redefine the parameters of your relationship is with your ex. You have to realize that if he wants any future ties severed and not helping the in the future your actions are making a clear choice as to whether your husband is #1 in your life or your ex is. Of course you won't be happy but in marriage you have to decide where your loyalties lie. Your helping an ex is not an old gf, but an old lover. Do you think he and most guys are going to be cool with that? NOPE. When you marry you take vows to forsake all others (especially old lovers). If your ex is in crises he needs to understand that you are not a part of his life (e.g. he is an ex) and that he is not to call and that you will not be receptive to being called. In marriage few husband are going to be cool with their fiance or wife helping an old lover. It's going to be uncomfortable, but marriage involves decisions and choices. About your ex calling you in crises. Let's face it you are not the ONLY person in the universe he could ask for help. In fact, hospitals have social workers specifically trained for times like these to help in crises. If that's not o.k. you are saying to your h2b that you would rather you be called by your ex than anyone else in the world and even more than the person at the hospital who is trained (and has been through this before) Although it is legitimate that as a human you feel that you want to help an ex in need, you need to understand that an ex is an ex (e.g. an ex is not someone who calls you when they are in crises and who you help out in crises...you are acting as a friend a current friend). The fact that he called and you went to the hospital makes it absolutely clear his feelings (and yours) are not that you are both someone who run into ocassionally. In fact his actions unequivocally state that he feels you are someone he has such a close bond with that he feels comfortable calling when things are bad for him and his family. Wake up and look at the reality of the ex's call and how he sees you and that you are comfortable with those feelings about your relationship with him (and how your fiance feels about your ex's feelings about your relationship with the ex). The ex's feelings may not be conscious but they are clear by his actions and yours are clear by your actions. It is clear that after your fiance had awhile to digest this he became very uncomfortable. Have you ever awhile later realized OMG and changed your opinion. Yes, he probably does think your ex is laughing at him (oh look who comes running when I call in crises....my ex who is another man's fiance LOL. This may not be the case, but it is certainly a thought many would have).I mean very few men want their fiance to be THE ONE (the ex calls to come to him) to comfort their old lover nor want their fiance to be called by their old lover to comfort and console him in a crises.
Your ex intentionally and knowingly put you in a horrible position. You said that when you came to the hospital your ex was concerned how your h2b would feel. Not true. If he was genuinely concerned he would have never asked. Alternatively he could have called you back (by cell phone if you have one) and asked you not to come. Nope, he decided that it was fine for him to upset your fiance and create a issue between you and your h2b. I had to pull life support on my mother. I would never call an ex, especially if they were engaged. Even if I ran into them ocassionally it would never ever have crossed my mind. I mean it's not like he could not think to call someone else...he has gone without calling you for two years (over 700 days) and now he chooses to call you. How many times has your ex called since you got engaged? We both know the answer...NONE. Give me a break. Your ex preyed upon your good nature and you were so willing to come you only called your fiance from the hospital. How loved do you think your fiance feels right now?
His mate is an ahole. But, that is not the issue.
One final thought, it is not unusual or unexpected that he spoke to his mate. If your going was something you feel uncomfortable with him discussing or telling people...they you should intuitively know it is not something you should have done. I could be mistaken but what I think happened is different than you may have realized. This call you got and your being the one person he wanted for comfort (and your giving it) is something way out of the ordinary (meaning it is not something that happens every day) and he probably just commented about it something along the lines of ';Your not going to believe this but my wife's ex (e.g. old lover) called her out of the blue to come to the hospital and comfort him whe he pulled life support on his mother';. The response ';That is wierd, did she go?'; H2b ';yeah she stayed with him for about 1or 2 hours until his mother passed.'; The the alcoholic starts commenting. But give your fiance a break...this should not be secret you expected him to keep about you being of comfort to your old lover. Also, this is something most guys would say (I would) to anyone they were around at the time. In other words your fiance was perfectly reasonable in talking about it and what happend is so unusual your fiance needs to process it. Let's assume his mate was not an a*s but a responsible adult. If a guy friend told me that (or told any guy I know what happened), it would be a normal response to say: ';Don't you think that's wierd?'; ';How often does he call her?'; (the response is he doesn't call). ';When was the last time he called (answer 2 years ago?'; ';Does he know she is engaged? (answer is yes)'; Taking the conversation from there it is deduced that after 2 years without calling, knowing she is engaged, knowing he was an old lover, don't you think it's unusual that she is the one person he WANTS to be of comfort to him? It is also deduced that his feelings (after so long with out a call) about you and what he expects you will agree to is far from someone he ';ocassionally runs into'; As I hope you can see, even if this were much more reasonably discussed with a different mate than with the alcoholic, it all reaches the same end point. (It get's much worse (not that it needs to be) if you called your h2b from the hospital.)
I mean do you know many guys that are going to be cool with this and the hugging and hand holding going on with the old lover to comfort him at the hospital. Don't you think it's reasonable to assume that for your ex this strengthened his bond with you and further feels an intimacy and comfort with you. Do you honestly think your fiance is going to like that?
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